Every year there’s always the top resolutions to get healthy, make oodles of money, quit smoking, clean the garage, set a monthly budget, be nice, yada yada yada.  While I agree that all of these things are fine to achieve, I don’t feel one single iota of excitement for them.  Maybe because they are the standard ones we all strive for every year.  This year, I refuse to start my new year out with a plan that doesn’t inspire me to do anything but hide in a closet until January is over and every one has forgotten about resolutions.

This year I want to achieve items I’m passionate about that make a real difference in my world.  At the same time I want them to be fun!  If you’ve picked a standard, ho hum resolution that leaves you with the energy factor of a slug, let’s see if we can find some resolutions that rock. 

What the heck do you want for 2010?

Its hard to know what direction you want to head in.  Here’s some great resolution setting questions to get your intuitive juices flowing.  As you anwer these questions, really feel how your body reacts.  Look for the answers that excite you and feel like freedom. 

1. One thing I will spend less time doing:
2. One thing I will spend more time doing:
3. One relationship I will repair:
4. One mental habit I will cultivate:
5. One place I will visit:
6. One thing I will learn:
7. One thing I will create:
8. One thing I will dispose of:
9. One thing I will obtain:
10. One thing I will eat more of:
11. One thing I will drink less of:
12. One thing I will do to help others:
13. One thing I will do to treat myself:
14. One person I will reconnect with:
15. One thing I will do to help the environment:

Let’s start 2010 with all kinds of inspiring resolutions that will increase the joy in our lives and leave wonderful imprints on those whose lives we touch.

Stay tuned for the next post on how to keep your motivation going beyond January.

Let us know below what amazing resolutions you are excited to achieve in 2010!

Kelli

Are you one of those people who has a hard time saying “no”?  Do you go to extremes to make sure everyone around you is happy and everyone is in perfect harmony? I just ran across this wonderful fable which is such a great lesson and reminder that I had to blog about it:

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who
remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and  the boy was riding.  The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed
positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.” They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well . . .

Kiss your ass goodbye

There is a great misconception among people who try to please everyone and it is:  We are just good people who are trying to make everybody happy.

We can tell ourselves that our pleasing is due to our concern for others’ happiness and well being, but the truth of the matter is that we are concerned with the way others perceive us.  We live our lives totally worried about what others think about us, instead of listening to what our essential self wants.  We continue to ignore our own desires and passions and continue to seek approval, love, joy and happiness outside ourselves.  As a result, we tend to say yes to everything, rarely stick up for ourselves and then become angry when other’s don’t stroke our egos with kind words of praise on how absolutely amazing and wonderful we are.  Pretty ugly, eh?

I do feel that giving to others to increase others happiness is a wonderful thing to do if you are giving out of a real desire to help some without an attachment to how they perceive you.  You must give from your authentic self out of love.  It is most important to care for yourself first and then give to others freely without any expectations of being seen as the most wonderful thing since sliced bread.  Do you give of yourself out of love and authenticity or are you expecting alcolades of love and appreciation?

Are you a people pleaser?

• Someone who says yes, even when their mind says no.
• Someone who begins most sentences with “I should” or “I ought”
• Someone who cringes at the first sign of friction.
• Someone who is devastated when they think someone doesn’t like them.
• Someone who would rather feel personal pain than displease another.
• Someone who is willing to fail in the name of pleasing another.
• Someone who is not willing to speak up for themselves.
• Someone who loses sleep over the slightest altercation with another.
• Someone who feels out of control when they think another human being may disagree with what they’re doing.
• Someone who has lost their own sense of unique personality and belief
• Someone who starts to see their desire to please others as a separate part of themselves.  Separate from the rest of who they are as an individual.

Did you answer “yes” to many of these questions?  If so, read on for some great tips on how to please yourself and give to others without the attactment of a specific outcome:

Top Tips on How to Stop People Pleasing

1. Just Say NO – Guess what, when you say “no” people are not thinking about you as much as you think.  There’s little reason to worry about how they have perceived your NO.  Here’s the great news:  In most cases, people move on to find someone else to help them. They really give little thought to your inability to help them.
2. Listen to what your body is saying to you – If you’ve been asked to help someone and your body immediately feels like it’s been chained to a wall and you feel panicky, listen to what your body is saying.  Your body, not your mind, is the best place to go to listen to your essential self.  It doesn’t lie. It will tell you  if you should take action or politely turn down the request for help.  Your mind will tell you lies about how the other person will interpret your refusal of help.  Note that these are just stories your past life experiences tell you.  It does not mean that these thoughts are true.
3. Calm your fears – What’s the absolute worst that can happen if you say no? By asking yourself this question and doing some inquiry into your fears, you can find the painful belief that you have been telling yourself.  Fearful thoughts are caused by lack of knowledge. By doing a bit of mental investigating you can calm your fears.  You might be afraid that no one will like you, that someone will leave you, or that you will be left all alone if you don’t do what someone wants. That is a prison you have trapped yourself in, and it’s time to unlock the doors and walk out! The people around you may be used to your compliance, but if they’re not willing to accept that you have your own needs, are they really worth having in your life?
4. Stay in your own business – It is not your responsibility to make everyone else happy.  By realizing this and focusing your energy on your own happiness, you automatically become a great example of love and kindness.  Here’s a great mantra to live by from one of my mentor’s Byron Katie: “Remember:  There are only three types of business in the universe: mine, yours and God’s(anything outside your control). Much of our stress comes from living outside our business.  If you are living your life and I am mentally living your life, who is here living mine?  We’re both over there.  Being mentally in your business keeps me from being present in my own.  I am separate from myself, wondering why my life doesn’t work.  To think that I know what is best for anyone else is to be out of my business.  Even in the name of love, it’s pure arrogance, and the result is tension, anxiety, and fear. Do I know what is right for myself?  That is my only business.  Let me work with that before I try to solve your problems for you.”
5. Quit looking to others for appreciation and attention – There’s nothing wrong with a little appreciation and attention..heck we’re human…everyone loves a little ego boost.  The problem is when you look for the majority of your selfworth from outside yourself.  By looking to others for love and appreciation you are not leading your life, you are letting the external circumstances of your life lead you.
6. Stop basing your self-worth on how much you do for other people. It’s noble to want to help others, but it’s something you should do because you want to, not because you feel you have to. The greatest acts of kindness are those done by choice, not out of fear or guilt. If you’re doing things for others because you would feel bad if you didn’t, is the action really genuine? Would you want others to help you under those terms? And, if you’re helping others to such an extent that you are neglecting yourself, is that really wise?
7. Compromise. While it’s not good to be a pushover, it’s no better to be a manipulative bully or a reckless rebel. Don’t become totally selfish. In fact, many people pleasers have low self-esteem. So do those who are selfish. Whenever there’s a conflict of desires, try to come up with a solution that will meet both desires halfway, or better yet, a “win-win” situation where both sides get even more than they bargained for.
8. Don’t Assume that you are the best person to come to the rescue – By saying no to someones’ request for help when you really aren’t wanting to help lets the “right person for the job” come along to help.  By letting those that are best able and willing to show up to the situation becomes a win – win for everyone.  By saying no you might just be allowing a better abled person help.
9. Ask for what you want. If everybody’s going to dinner together and most people in the group want to eat at a particular restaurant, but you’d rather eat something else, speak up! There’s nothing wrong with voicing your opinion.  You are expressing your individuality with your own preferences.  Ultimately, you must remember that no one can read your mind. If you feel that you do so much for others, but they don’t do anything for you, maybe it’s because you don’t express your needs or desires. It’s not fair to make people pry an answer from you. If they ask you what you want, or if there’s a decision being made, give your opinion.
10. Consider the source. Many people pleasers were raised in environments wherein their needs and feelings were pushed aside and not considered important. Were you always expected to mold yourself to everyone else’s needs? Did you learn that the only way to receive a positive response was to do what others wanted you to do? If so, here’s a newsflash: Not all the world wants a pushover. By focusing the majority of your decisions and actions based on pleasing others, you open yourself up to manipulation and abuse. You will never reach your potential as an individual if you constantly hide behind others’ expectations.

If you find yourself compromising your own needs, be aware that in the long run you compromise your ability to help others as well. Taking care of yourself prevents you from burning out. Remind yourself that by making choices that are good for you, you will have enough energy to do good for others.

Being kind and being a people pleaser are two different things. To disagree with someone does not mean you are being mean or disrespectful.  It is perfectly acceptable to state your preferences in a kind manner.  Standing up for yourself is not selfish or wrong – it is the way to express your true individuality.

Some people may take time to adjust to the new you – don’t apologize for being you, but be gentle with them! People are conditioned to you acting in a certain way.  When you change your behaviors, no matter how small, people may feel threatened by the new you.  You are not acting in a way they expected…how dare you! he he he.  Be patient with them and they will calm down.  Just as you are capable of understanding that change is nothing to fear, others will come to realize this in time.

Remember:

If you try to please everyone, you might as well . . .

Kiss your ass goodbye

We’d love to hear how you are succeeding in being authentic and true to your own likes and desires.  Please share your thoughts and helpful tips below in our comments.

With gratitude,

Kelli

I’ve learned from two of my amazing mentors:  Martha Beck and Nick Williams that I have a responsibility to “show up” and serve my tribe: the people who need my expertise in a certain area where I have previously been through hell and back. Based on their wisdom, I really looked at everything that I have accomplished and failed at so far.  What personal hell have I been through?

I felt this pull and desire to help those who have relocated to a new country who may feel isolated, lack confidence, want to be happier and need relevant information and support. Therefore I have launched…drum roll please…

Inspired Expatriates:   Discover confidence, purpose and success living abroad.

Why have I done this, you may ask?

When I moved to London over two years ago, I really thought that I would land on my feet as I usually do.  I told myself that it would be easy and exciting. A new adventure, yeah!  I’m no stranger to adventure and think nothing of trying new things.

So what did Ido?

In two months, I left a 20 year career, moved my daughter down to college, sold my house and most of my belongings, and left all my friends and family.  Suffice it to say three months after I hit UK soil, I ended up hiding away in my flat for 6 months (okay, I did venture out to the pubs), focused on how thinks were so much better in America, gained 25 pounds and watched every episode of Frasier that could have possibly been made.  It was not a pretty sight!

I got hit hard with an identity crisis.  Who am I in this new place and where are all the people that should love me like they did in California?  To make matters worse, looking for employment was pure hell. I couldn’t figure out why all the jobs I applied for didn’t beg me to come work for them.  I know I was great and amazing, most of the time. If I heard “We love you but you have no London market experience” one more time, I would scream.

I didn’t really have a clue what was wrong with me or how to crawl my way out of the dungeon I was in.  The road was long, hard, confusing and painful.  It is still a learning and growing curve to this day…heck, what in life isn’t?  My life now is amazing as I have grieved, healed, grown and looked inside myself for the path that is best for me.

I am dedicated to helping expatriates and others going through a significant change learn how to find their confidence, purpose and live an amazingly satisfying life overseas. If you are one of my tribe, please let us know your struggles and success stories below.  Or come visist us on the new website:  www.InspiredExpatriates.com.  How can I help?

With Gratitude,

Kelli

www.inspiredexpatriates.com

P.S.  This will remain my main website for my other coaching passions.

Patience is not one of my strong points.  I’m constantly looking ahead to what I need to do next and what I should have done already and I’ve just realized that I’m missing out on what’s happening in my life right now.  Slowing down and cultivating bigger gaps of patience is what I want to increase in my daily life.  Getting back to the present moment and all of the joy it offers.

I must remember that things unfold in my life in it’s own time.  By being impatient I’m only increasing pain in the form of anger.  My mind chatters with thoughts that I’m not getting enough done or someone else has control over my progress.  Which is utter rubbish and I know this…but why can’t I remember it in times when I’m tested?

Ahhh…time to remind myself that patience is an alternative to the minds restlessness.  By wanting things to be different than the way they currently are in the moment is futile to fight against.  It’s already there and has happened.  Why blame myself, someone else or something for it and create more misery?…yuck!  I don’t want that in my life, thank you very much!

My aim is when I see myself becoming impatient and the anger rises to use the anger to nourish patience, compassion and harmony in myself. How am I going to do this?

Hello my fellow expatriates!  This is the second part to my series on how to cope with Culture Shock when you have transitioned to life in a new country.  If you’d like to read the first blogpost, you can find it here.

To recap briefly:

You have made a significant life transition and this has put you into a cycle of change.  It helps to understand that you will pass through several phases of change while dealing with the effects of culture shock.  By identifying and understanding where you are on this change cycle can help alleviate your uncertainty, sadness and lack of direction.

Here’s how the four steps of the change cycle look:

Step 1 – Death and Rebirth

Step 2 – Dreaming and Scheming

Step 3 – Daring and Emerging

Step 4 – The Promised Land

Today we get to focus on the feel good stuff of dreaming and scheming.  Heck, who doesn’t like to dream, eh?

Once you have fully accepted, grieved and realiz that your old life as you knew it is over, you will begin exploring and dreaming about your new life experience.  This is where you get to look at your inner wants and desires and gradually take steps to move them into your real world.

Here are some things you may be experiencing to signify that you are in Square 2 territory:

1. You find you are more creative.
2. You redecorate your home.
3. You change your outward appearance and maybe get a new hair style.
4. You imagine doing things you’ve never done before.
5. You laugh more easily and more often.

It’s now time to determine what you really want.